Why does "picking up a permit" SOUND so EASY? Part I

Ring, Ring......
BUILDING DEPT LADY: "Hello, Building Department, May I help you?"
ME:  "YES!! ME!! You can help ME!"
This is where I introduce myself as a demolition contractor trying to get all the information possible to make ONE TRIP to your office and WALK OUT WITH WHAT INTENDED TO ACCOMPLISH (Secure a PERMIT, from the........PERMIT OFFICE).  I tell you all about my project and then you tell me to.........go to.......... a website.  A website that never tells me the complete story. Or fully explains the Fees. Or the little requirements that slipped right by the poor web guy tasked with teasing out the excruciating volumes of details that are required to get a demolition permit from this entity.  
ME:  "But MS Building Department Lady, YOU WANT TO HELP ME NOW, RIGHT? So are you going to rely on the website to tell me everything, and I mean everything that I will need to get a permit from your jurisdiction?
(ANNOYED) BUILDING DEPT LADY:  "Do you want me to give you the web address?"
ME:  "Would you mind it so much if you could go to the website and read me the requirements?"
(REALLY ANNOYED BUILDING DEPT LADY): "I just can't do that. We can't get on the internet here and I have another call coming in"
GETTING DESPERATE ME:  "Anything you could tell me would be helpful - anything, I can't get on the internet and I don't have much time or money and I really just want to know, specifically, what it would take for me to come with all documents necessary and walk out of your office with this little piece of paper that will give my company permission to move on with all of our lives"
EXASPERATED BUILDING DEPT LADY: "I know you need to fill out the application, get a site plan and a letter from the owner and a rodent letter.  It costs $200".
ME: "Are you sure that's it? That doesn't sound very comprehensive. Are you sure that's all you got? Cause I'm about to have me a "I KNOW MORE THAN YOU BUILDING DEPARTMENT LADY FACEOFF":

QUESTION ONE:  "Is the......... application for demolition and new building construction on the same application - because if it is the same application IT IS CONFUSING.  These two operations should never be confused.  They are so very much the opposite. If there is one application for both of these operations we call this kind of Permit Office........."AMATEUR". And add 2 hours to your day there, because you will have at least one permit office person insist that you need a General Contractor's License to fill in the little box for that contractor's number since you are submitting an application that is submitted when people build a new structure.  And Demolition Specialty Contracting is EXCLUDED from having to have a General Contractor's License (here in Georgia). You will go round and round and then.......win. And move on to Section 2 of the Application......

QUESTION TWO:  THE APPLICATION SAYS I NEED A......Business License number  and EXPIRY to get a permit here? But invariably it is January and God and everyone's Business License
just expired on December 31?  And the Business License department doesn't renew the old one until usually around......MARCH.  WHAT NOW BROWN COW? Wait till then??

QUESTION THREE:  It says I need to take four photos of the *&^#box that I've been hired to demolish so the Historical Society can review it?  REVIEW IT FOR WHAT? DETERIORATING LEAD PAINT? ASBESTOS?  EVIDENCE THAT COMPLETELY INEFFICIENT AND SUB PAR DWELLINGS SHOULD BE SAVED?  I'm all in for saving historical structures, but come on. Check your CODE ENFORCEMENT OFFICER log, one of your very own departments is begging for this to be......demolished!

QUESTION FOUR: Your application here says I need 4 sets of site plans to scale to submit for the permit.  What it doesn't explain is that it can't be you pulling out the old ruler and marking up the tax record Map real nice and purty.  You have to spend money here. Or charge your client money you neglected to educate them about because you never got this far with "MS BUILDING DEPT LADY". She hung up on your ass like two questions ago!  Here is the drill down, the clarification, the explanation:  "Four sets of Demolition Site plans provided by a licensed surveyor or registered architect showing location of trees (greater than 6" DBH) (like you know what THAT means) and topography lines and silt fence and tree save fence locations"  This costs like $30 in printing by the way.....just put it in your Google Notes to remember to charge your client.....more money. They love that too!


QUESTIONS FIVE AND SIX:  If it's on sewer what do you want to do about it?  OR what we call the STUMPER:   "What do you want us to produce if it has a septic system?"
Answer:  JUST a letter from a company that says they've pumped the septic system.  Hmmmm, that is going to cost SOMEBODY some money!  Your client is going to *&^% in his pants when you start adding up this bill.........to get the permit.  Not including "FEES".

PERMIT OFFICE ODYSSEY..............To Be CONTINUED!!!